This one is personal….

Lack of Confidence quotes

I don’t really write personal posts on the blog as sometimes I just like to keep things to myself. But for some reason I feel driven to write this one, and I’m not sure why. One of the things I have never been good at dealing with is being left out, whether its a personal occasion or a professional endeavour. I’m emotional at the best of times, but the sense that someone does not want you involved in something, when you always thought you would be, is hard to deal with. Well I think so anyway. It started back when I was in primary school with the typical childish exclusion from a birthday party. It was clear on the Monday morning that  there had been a party on the previous Sunday, to which nearly all the girls had been invited to, except me and my friend. I don’t know why we were not worthy of an invitation, but at the time, being only six, it was probably the most horrible emotional battle I had at the time. I’d like to think I was a good kid; studious, kind and sensitive. I had the mature deduction that I was not upset at not being invited, but more why I wasn’t invited. I had no clue as to what I could have done. Thanks to the way this crazy world works, this feeling would stay with me for a long time.

Lack of Confidence quotes

Image, activelivingzoomers.com

A similar situation arose in secondary school when it came to sleepovers from the age of twelve to fourteen. I was an innocent; didn’t get the appeal of smoking, preferred not to attend the local disco, and couldn’t understand why you wouldn’t get all your homework done on a Friday night so you had the whole weekend to escape the confines of the school environment, both physically and mentally. Again, I was left out of the sleepover scenario; but this was different, as I knew why. For all of the aforementioned reasons. I wasn’t outgoing and I didn’t consider myself pretty. At the time, I had a mass of frizzy hair, had baby blue rimmed glasses to help cure crippling classic migraine, and my fashion taste was, well, let’s just say evolving. I started to go through a period of constant self-examination, which left me in a state of insecurity. I basically had no confidence in my ability to accept who I was, which was, a good person, who felt ill at ease with the lifestyle choices of some of my friends, and perhaps a little old fashioned.

It wasn’t until I hit fourth year, that I started to embrace who I was, and accept that not everyone wanted the life I did. Some people liked to experiment, and I just didn’t. My life lessons came via my education, which was my one and only priority. A mentality which remained with me all through my twenties, as I completed by degree and Chartered Accountancy exams. I was a natural born student, who loved the safety net of a disciplined and controlled environment in which to learn. By sixth year, and well into College, my confidence grew, but even though now, I work at something I love (which is now a vocation really), those feelings of my six year old self linger sub consciously. Every time I’m not chosen for something, I delve into that brain space where I resume a period of self-questioning, which is, for the most part, unhealthy. It’s ok to challenge yourself, it’s the only way we grow, but to analyse progressively without resolve, is certainly not. I’ll always be a person who wants to be the best at what she does, and when I hit those times where I’m not the right person for the job, or I’m not included in something that may just not be aligned with me, I need to continue to look forward and stay true to the person I am, and always be.

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